"Seeing the good in everyone is not a pre-requisite to knowing it exists."

I remember it well. It was 8:59 PM on Thursday night, October 18, 1990 and, just like every other Thursday night, I was waiting patiently in front of the TV for the opening credits to Knots Landing. But this would not be like any other Thursday night. What would happen for me in the proceeding hour would impact my life enough to not only remember it, but to still be writing about it 20 years later in this blog for you.

The episode was called, "Dead, But Not Buried" and it was known as Michelle Lee's greatest TV performance, (nominating her for an Emmy). In an emotional retort to someone calling her a "Pollyanna" for her view of the world, "Karen" lashes back with a 3 minute, gutt-wrenching defense of her belief in all people as innately good. She is like a mother bear protecting her metaphorical cub, which was her belief system, her peace, her joyful place, the place where she drew her happiness. There I was, mouth wide open, tears in my 21 year old eyes, with a desire to stand up and cheer as vivid in my mind as if I had seen it this morning. You see, I had been called Pollyanna myself many times before that night, and even more times since. I always liked my belief that people really didn't intend to hurt other people, that under layers of life experiences existed in everyone a loving, kind human being just waiting to be accessed by someone who believed it was in there somewhere. Uncovering it in people was always a rush for me. Did I find it in everyone? No. Do I still believe it exists? Hell yeah. Someone has to, right? Otherwise, they are people sailing through this world navigating aimlessly from their sad, broken places. We all need someone to take the wheel for a while until we are able to find our own way.

That night, Karen was my own voice, and she articulated what I felt so perfectly that I felt a validation which was freeing for me. I have never again questioned being a "Pollyanna", "naive", a "granola", or a "do-gooder", just to name a few names I have been given over the years. Instead, I celebrate it. I love trying to understand everyone as kind, despite their less-than kind presentation, because if my belief is that they are lost rather than ill-intended, I cannot truly justify my anger toward them; a gift to both of us.

We should all be so protective of our happiness as Karen was that cool October night. We may not have to always do so in this way, however. Maybe it’s just about turning off the news once you get the weather or giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People are watching you. And if they see something working for you enough times, they may be inclined to try it themselves, and this, my kind friend, is how we change the world…..one Pollyanna at a time.

"Crisis is the hand that lifts the veil to reveal the true friend from the imposter."

"Friend" is a word that has certainly morphed in definition since it has become a verb in the 21st century, with the onset of social networking. Its difficult to know if "BFF" is just something you use for that one friend you feel closest to, or if you can use it with the same abandon as one "de-friends" someone, having neither action truly be a statement about the status or strength of the friendship. Confusing times for language in general, don't you think? The best barometer for me in understanding the nature of my friendships has always remained the same. Are we able to be there for each other no matter what the situation, and no matter what the challenge required do so? Period. Its easy to show up for a friend's birthday, give them a ride to the train station, even listen to them complain about their family for an hour too long. Its not as easy to respond to something that requires more from you, perhaps something you have a personal discomfort with or pre-judgment about, from "I spanked my kid in anger today" to "I think I have a drinking problem" to "I contracted herpes." These are conversations that may challenge you. Everything you say and, more importantly, DON'T say, will tell your friend just what your friendship is made of. Do you have what it takes to be able to give them the floor and let them spew for as long as they need to without offering judgment, direction, scenarios or negativity (passively OR overt)? Will you offer an opinion before they ask? Will the questions you ask come from your curiosity or will they truly help you to help them better? Can you keep your own stuff in check enough to re-direct yourself with ease back to the person who is actually having the crisis; them? If I feel close enough to a friend to share a crisis and they drop the ball in this way, I know that they are probably not someone who I will feel inclined to share something so deeply with again, re-understanding them as more of a casual or social friend.

I know thats a lot to process, so let me offer some things that are helpful for me. If you do not know the "right" thing to say to your friend, its best to say THAT than to shoot in the dark and miss, wounding or killing the friendship. Speak honestly about your struggle to find something helpful to say. Just letting them know that it is your desire to do so is enough. Secondly, in an electronic world, where the line between appropriate and inappropriate times to text becomes more and more blurry, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM! If the human voice is the ultimate way to communicate support, then texting is somewhere below that, and tells them you did not deem the situation (or them?) important enough to go with the best method. Is that what you want to tell your "BFF"?

Sadly, it will often take a crisis to identify who your true supports are, and who they aren't. Perhaps that is the best gift that comes from adversity.

Now don't you have a phone call to make?

Happiness and misery are similar in that they will both wait as long as it takes for their seeker to find them.

Somebody I knew years ago said something to me I have never forgotten. It was this: Water seeks its own level. I actually didn’t understand it at first, but since then life has described it in full detail to me, one human being at a time. We all know someone who is relentlessly optimistic, whose experience here has not been without its share of challenges, but who seems to still maintain an inspiring outlook, smile in tact and goals not disrupted. They do not accept misery as the rule, but as the exception and therefore get back up on their journey toward happiness. Then there’s that other fella, Al B. Miserable. Man, is he an energy sucker. You walk away from him with your head spinning because his tight hold on how horrible things are is impenetrable. You cannot be of any help to Al because, as much as he complains, he doesn’t want an alternative outlook. In some ways, being miserable brings him feelings of safety. I know, seems like a difficult concept to grasp. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel better, be happier? There are lots of reasons people are not open to help, some of them quite legitimate. It’s when they become the obstruction to a better experience here, a better quality of life, when the real problem presents. You may say that this drive is determined by our chemistry, our biology or genes, if you will. You may say it is influenced by our previous experiences. Who knows? I suspect it’s different for everyone. So maybe it’s easy for some and difficult for others, but I don’t see either of these as a sentence to misery. It just might make some of us have to work a little harder. Good grief, who wants difficult? Easy is the modern sentiment, isn’t it? (OK, there goes some of my cynicism.) The thing is, you are the writer of how things end in your story. Difficult or not, you ultimately are the holder of the pen and the paper and you have the last word, not your problems, circumstances, obstacles or other people who rain on your parade. You can decide to stand on the periphery of the giant joy puddle it forms or you can jump right in. Either way, the water is rising....and waiting.

If someone in the past made you feel good inside, what are they still doing all the way back there?

When I mention facebook to non-facebook friends, they often role their eyes and offer a response that is pretty consistent, "I have no interest in hearing from people from my past." Whether they know it or not, in that one simple line, some unrest about "then" immediately becomes evident. I can't help but consider whether their experiences with people have generally not been good, or maybe there is just one person who they are trying to avoid. Perhaps there is something about today they carry some shame about and, much like the class reunion, would rather not have that exposed to everyone, becoming somewhat vulnerable to people they have not seen in so many years. But how about this one; it was the BEST time of their lives and it is too painful to have the difference between today and then highlighted! Ouch, that one hurts, and I do not blame anyone for recoiling from that painful conclusion. I have something to say about all these scenarios (big surprise) but I will keep my reflections on 2 points; the "bad" past and the "good" past.

My very simple response to this last scenario, the "good" past, is that good is ALWAYS good. The experience is over. It stopped at graduation, or the day you moved away, or whatever event catapulted you to the next part of your life. Unfortunately, it is no match for what follows, a larger living experience, where mistrust, disappointment and less-than-wonderful events introduce cynicism into our lives. Cynicism will search out good memories and re-write them, or burden them with non-truths which are easier to believe with a slightly beaten, heavier heart. I will reiterate; the past itself cannot be made bad because it isn't happening anymore. If we left it with good feelings, but somehow can no longer recall them now, then it was what happened afterwards that edited a perfectly good story.

OK, now for the "bad" past. Just as you can't assume that nice people are exactly the way they were back then, you also cannot assume that "not nice" people are as well. Not to overstate, but the past is a moving image in memory only. It is a photograph, a snapshot, a period of time with clear borders and our connection to it has nothing to do with current experience. The characters are not ghosts, they have had many years of life as you have. In some cases the events back then were being processed by a very young mind, a time where, physiologically and mentally, you are going through a lot and everything feels more severe. A limited perspective also makes the bad experiences feel as impacting as what we consider devastating today. Imagine that a break up feels as severe as our greatest loss today. So even though what someone did to us felt horrible, we are not 18 anymore just because that’s how old we may have been when the memory ended. If that same event happened today, you would likely both laugh, apologize, forgive and move on. Let’s use ALL of our life experiences to understand whether its worth reaching out to someone or not. Be here today and you may find that the past has offered gifts you have yet to open.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I pondered the word "necessary" when I was thinking about this post. It is a word that I have always equated with "should". Since I fully embrace the concepts of subectivity and perspective, someone telling me what is "necessary" feels as though they are imposing their experience onto mine, rather than offering it as an option. I do believe I have found the exception for me however, and that is "kindness". It is the only real cure all, ya know? I mean think about it. It begins with helping you have better communication, hence, better relationships, happier work and family experiences, greater support and productivity, making life goals a bit easier to achieve, leading to self esteem and optimism, which have a direct connection to joy. With joy at the center of all we do, there is no struggle. Unfortunately, the world does not operate this way. Just watch the news any given morning, or watch how people behave on the road. We are all struggling with something. It manifests differently for everyone, however, but the guy's action of giving me the middle finger on the road comes from pain. I can't relate to the gesture, but I sure can relate to pain. That makes us equals. So I offer him kindness and fully believe he has stored that somewhere. So you'll forgive me if I break my own rule today and boldly tell you what is necessary....kindness. It is all of our ticket to a kind of freedom....of the body, mind and soul. I hope your day finds some.

"Before you say 'its not worth it', shouldn't you determine its value to you?"

It is not an uncommon thing to say in the center of frustration (a place where decisions should NEVER be made), "Its not worth it." When I hear people say this it often sounds more like, "I don't really have the energy/stamina/fight to continue experiencing setbacks on the way to obtaining this goal." There are no blanket rules in life, and sometimes we do determine that the investment we have made is larger than the chance of an optimal outcome, but often times we feel beaten by the process and that can trick us into a false idea that we are depleted. I compare this to my workout routine. Often in the middle of a rep, I feel as though I don't have anymore energy for another and so I will give myself a brief pause to allow my body a short repair with which to meet my goal. Better for me to do that than to stop short compromising something that means a lot to me. Sure, on difficult days, I hear the inside voice say, "Its not worth it." Rather than responding to this, I understand this as the frustration that is very much a part of the entire process, honor it, then let it go. You must have decided something was worth it if you embarked on a journey toward it. Remember why you did it if you need a voice to counteract the "its not worth it" message that will whisper mistruths to you at different points along your journey. Another way to approach this is to establish what the first "it" is for you. Whats not worth it? You? Your happiness? Your home? Your friend? Your pet? That always helps me get some clariity. Hey, only you can know the value of the result for you and your life, but make sure you have explored that before throwing in the towel.

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Anger is never the only emotion, usually arriving as a reaction to the less obvious, but more important one."

Saying you are angry is a good start, but only gives part of the picture. You need to know more if you are invested in feeling something different. Anger is a backpack that is never empty. It always carries an emotion much more important inside, namely, fear, embarrassment, disrespect, neglect, disappointment, betrayal, helplessness, loss….oh child, the list goes on. But addressing anger without knowing that other feeling is sort of futile. Finding it is sometimes tricky, since anger sometimes acts as a bully to other thoughts and doesn’t let them in. It’s good to have a friend help you with the exercise I am going to share with you here, but doing an internal dialogue is sometimes necessary and equally as effective. So, you start out by saying, “I’m angry.” Then someone (or yourself) asks “Why?” You say, “Because she had 16 items in her grocery cart and it was a 10 items or less isle.” Friend: “What was the emotion that came BEFORE you got angry?” Response: "Disregard." (end dialogue) The information you have gathered here is useful, because if you are finding that each time you do this dialogue you always come up with “disregard” then there are 2 likely scenarios; you either come across ill-willed, selfish people constantly, or your “disregard” button is right there on the surface and can be pushed at the simplest bump. The issue then does not become about all these people who disregard you, but you going to this emotion as frequently as you do. However, if the emotion seems to be different each time, and you are getting angry often, then you are not digging deep enough down into that backpack. That's when a little more help couldn't hurt. Either way, you then have something to work with….and a real place to start.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

“Family are like teeth, you’d always like to keep them because you have a long history with them, but you occasionally have to extract them when they cause you enough pain.”

The plight of my family toxicity is one that would occupy way too much space here, and my emotional attachment to it would not likely offer much objectivity about the dynamics of family systems, so I will attempt to keep it as devoid of emotion as possible. That said, I can’t tell you how many times people have shared their family woes to me and followed it up with, “but they’re my family so I suck it up”. (Long buzzer sound inserted here). It is not uncommon for people to tolerate from their family members things they would not tolerate from their friends, just because they are “family”. But what is family? As I understand it, it is a group of people who support you, who do not judge you but offer you love with no conditions. They ask as much about you as they talk about themselves. They may offer you feedback on an issue you’re having based on their experience, but they never impose their choices or value system upon you, and they certainly don’t ostracize you for making your own choices. They silently let you fly and discover those lessons on their own, keeping both pom poms at their sides to celebrate you at each new phase of enlightenment or accomplishment. Your memories together are long and some of them are even good (oops, that was an emotional slip…lol) Longevity with people is nice, since it connects you to a time of your life that starts to drift farther and farther away as we age. But ask yourself, what has been the quality of that time? Has it been more of a burden than a benefit to you? And do you want the next phase of your life to be more of the same based on some idea of obligation. I am here to say that you are obligated to your happiness and if the people who share your family are continually compromising that, than it’s time to create a new one. No one should be obligated to be submissive to abuse, no matter who they are. I am not suggesting this is easy, but visit Kansas and experience peace, laughter, acceptance, serenity, and joyful loving people and it will be that much harder to go back to Oz.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Don't take an entire lifetime to appreciate just one day."

What have you spent today thinking about so far? Have you been somewhere stuck in a memory, a regret, a speculation of how the holidays could have been better? Have you been anticipating your commute this morning, your deadlines and checklists for the week or year? Maybe you try to utilize the good points you once read in a Readers Digest article about stopping to "smell the roses", or maybe you heard your friends talk about Yoga and this thing called "being in the moment", but none of it makes real sense to you, and so it feels unattainable. My dear friend, I will wager that most of us are caught in this vortex of speculation. It used to be a daily occurence for me to wake up "spinning" with events that were out of my control, but all about yesterday or tomorrow. I would end up devoting another day to the futility of that line of thinking. If you're spinning, you can't be still, and if you can't be still, you won't notice. Noticing is the soul's vaccine for stress. Besides, you can spend forever figuring things out and the universe will throw you a curve and change it all up anyway. Let go of your plan, the past, the future. None of it is tangible here, right now in this moment, What IS is the smile of the person you love as they stand in the kitchen making you breakfast, or the warm home you are able to be comfortable in, the things you loved and chose to decorate your life, the eyes that look back at you in the mirror of the loving, kind spirit you are. That is something wonderful to witness today. Don't miss it or you will have declined the "present" that is offered to you daily.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Remember that the bad choice you made is because you had the freedom to choose."

From fortune cookies to the PHD's novel, the message about what is important in life remains the same, that what has true meaning here is not the destination but the ability to experience the process, in all it's wonder, surprise, enlightenment and wisdom. No one comes to this world with a map of how to navigate your way to happiness, but what you ARE given is the freedom to experiment with everything that COULD be. What happens in that experimentation sometimes feels quite the opposite of happiness, however, through that experience, life unveils another piece of that map and we are able to take a few more steps toward it. The pessimist will see this as life's cruelest joke. The optimist will conclude that there are crucial rights of passage that cannot be missed which only happen as a result of coming to this world with no navigational plan toward joy. What would your life have been like if you had no choices in this regard? What if you took a straight road to happiness? (Um, boring?) What do you think you would have missed? Who wouldn't you have met? What experience or knowledge would you have had to sacrifice? What beautiful place would you have skipped? Don't lament over what you think were mistakes, or wrong choices. Celebrate that all of them brought you gifts that are as much a part of the happiness you hold today as anything else that is more obvious.

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:

"Walk with your heart and head held high, for the body can loan you confidence until you are ready to take possession of it."

Order is overrated, at least how we understand it. Just what would it be like if you looked confident before you actually felt that way? I mean, who says you have to be confident to show confidence? Too abstract? Lets back up. It's my belief that your psyche is taking notes about what you say and do all the time, as if taking direction from you. It doesn't take more than a couple of "I'm stupid"'s for your psyche to internalize this message. (So you can imagine how I feel about the show, "The Biggest Loser".) It won't ever argue with you. It will take you at your word and begin to build a case against your ability to succeed or be happy. One day you are met with the opportunity of a lifetime and any voice of encouragement or self-confidence has been taken over by the voice of doom; the one you have been giving lessons to for years. It's too late then to sell your good points. It won't believe you anymore as you've given too much support to the contrary. My argument is that although it would seem that a degree of confidence is required to "wear" it, wearing it can be the thing that teaches you about it, makes you like the way it feels enough to want more of it and work for it. A taste is all the psyche needs to create an appetite for it and ultimately, dare I say, take posession of it. If it seems too daunting initially, think of it as acting. Step outside yourself if thats what it takes to enlist the confident facade, then come back when it's time to reap the rewards. To borrow an old adage, fake it 'til you make it.

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Draw conclusions, but use pencil."

A conclusion is a final determination based on gathered information; information obtained through the network of senses, sight, touch, smell, sound, taste, and that proverbial 6th sense, known as instinct. These are all meant to assist, but not assure. For example, have you ever tasted something you thought would be pleasant based on it's presentation but ended up hating it? Have you heard a bird sing and thought it was someone whistling? Ever had watermelon bubble gum? Talk about fooling your senses. And how about illusion? If you have ever been to a David Copperfield Magic Show, you will feel all logic challenged. Mind you, I have listed the exceptions to information gathering, but as long as they exist, your best effort at conclusion is an assumption at best, given the information your senses have gathered. So don't disallow other scenarios. Ink is permanent and you don't ever want to be in a position where you cannot rewrite an ending, or respond accordingly to life's surprises. And watch out for that 6th sense, instinct. What informs your instinct is experience. If your experience is skewed, so too will your conclusion be...and that is mine...yes, written in ink.

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"If you are trying to fly under the radar, then why are you flying?"

Going with the metaphor, there are many modes of transportation. If flying is one that will put you at risk for being exposed to something you'd rather not, than why would you not choose an alternate means of travel? I know, those are a lot of fun and playful words, so lets be more concrete. Linear thinking is what I'm referring to. It is when you can only stay on one pathway of thought, regardless of how others may introduce alternate options to you. You are so transfixed on this one way of doing "it", that it is as if you have blinders on. Dangerous, dangerous, dangerous. There is an expression that goes, "Water seeks it's own level." It's one of my favorites. You create your path. No one else. If you'd like to take the difficult road, then shut out everyone else and do it your way. You will find the heartache at the finish line that you have drawn. For example, if you have a boss that actually makes you so upset that you have to go on meds strictly for this reason, it's time to take inventory. Keeping a low profile at work will certainly minimize the amount of harassment you receive, but you can decide that you are worthy of a better working environment which is not abusive, hence a better life, and report the boss or look for a better job. Until then, I'm afraid you will just keep "flying under the radar" until your wings get too tired or until you get caught by a predator.

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Nobody can take away your problems, but there are some people who make really good mirrors."

In my work as a mental health clinician, and in my experience as a human being who often finds himself among the needy in my personal life as well, I have had been thanked for being the "thing" that got people past their misfortune, adversity, crisis, obstacle, rough time, call it what you will. I contend that what I offer in being present for someone is not a bunch of words that may work well for me, rather, a good ear and a pathway of dialogue that somehow elicits a reflection of the person's behaviors, reactions, attitudes, etc. Trying to offer advice to someone who cannot see the thesis of their problem is like clipping weeds in a garden and expecting them to be gone. I'll be the first to say that the therapist whose session is just about offering advice to his/her client is merely a weed clipper. The client must do the speculating, the analyzing, the questioning, the risk taking and be the one asking the questions AND answering them. A therapist's function is to guide you along that tenuous trip toward yourself, support you in places that are frightening and assist you when you are stepping off course. But an effective therapist NEVER says, "you should". Only you know what you should do and a good mirror will show you exactly who you are, for good or for bad....and thats a good thing.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Patrick's Thoughts on 'Patrick's Thoughts':

Last January 1st, I resolved to write something creative every day, since writing is a great passion of mine. I knew finding time for any extensive writing would be a challenge, since I was beginning school again, so I decided I would try and come up with one short inspirational thought a day for 365 days. On the first day, I sat at the computer and stared at the screen. I then let myself think. Bad idea. My thoughts were, "there is no way I am going to be able to come up with an original idea of inspiration every day for the entire year." I even went so far as to shut the computer and start walking away. Then a little Yoga voice inside me spoke. It said, "What is your truth TODAY?" It reminded me to stay in the moment; to resolve to write one today only. One is a lot easier to think about than 365. So that's what I did. I walked back to the computer last January 1st and wrote a response to that inner dialogue. It read, "In order to acquire something you've never had, you have to perhaps do something you've never done." That voice was my muse and my daily template each time I sat at the computer at 5:30 in the morning. "What is your truth TODAY?" I would ask, and the writer was freed. I never again, for the entire year, was without a new idea. My truth was often a response to something I learned or was feeling, something or someone that inspired me that week. By focusing on "just today" I managed to achieve the goal I set out for. There is a lesson here folks, and I pass it along to you in today's thought, the first one on my new blog, below. So how long will I be doing this? As long as I feel like it...lol. Thanks for reading.

Thought For Today: "Don't think of the quilt. Think of the stitch. You'll get the same results, but without all the strings attached."