"Friend" is a word that has certainly morphed in definition since it has become a verb in the 21st century, with the onset of social networking. Its difficult to know if "BFF" is just something you use for that one friend you feel closest to, or if you can use it with the same abandon as one "de-friends" someone, having neither action truly be a statement about the status or strength of the friendship. Confusing times for language in general, don't you think? The best barometer for me in understanding the nature of my friendships has always remained the same. Are we able to be there for each other no matter what the situation, and no matter what the challenge required do so? Period. Its easy to show up for a friend's birthday, give them a ride to the train station, even listen to them complain about their family for an hour too long. Its not as easy to respond to something that requires more from you, perhaps something you have a personal discomfort with or pre-judgment about, from "I spanked my kid in anger today" to "I think I have a drinking problem" to "I contracted herpes." These are conversations that may challenge you. Everything you say and, more importantly, DON'T say, will tell your friend just what your friendship is made of. Do you have what it takes to be able to give them the floor and let them spew for as long as they need to without offering judgment, direction, scenarios or negativity (passively OR overt)? Will you offer an opinion before they ask? Will the questions you ask come from your curiosity or will they truly help you to help them better? Can you keep your own stuff in check enough to re-direct yourself with ease back to the person who is actually having the crisis; them? If I feel close enough to a friend to share a crisis and they drop the ball in this way, I know that they are probably not someone who I will feel inclined to share something so deeply with again, re-understanding them as more of a casual or social friend. I know thats a lot to process, so let me offer some things that are helpful for me. If you do not know the "right" thing to say to your friend, its best to say THAT than to shoot in the dark and miss, wounding or killing the friendship. Speak honestly about your struggle to find something helpful to say. Just letting them know that it is your desire to do so is enough. Secondly, in an electronic world, where the line between appropriate and inappropriate times to text becomes more and more blurry, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM! If the human voice is the ultimate way to communicate support, then texting is somewhere below that, and tells them you did not deem the situation (or them?) important enough to go with the best method. Is that what you want to tell your "BFF"?
Sadly, it will often take a crisis to identify who your true supports are, and who they aren't. Perhaps that is the best gift that comes from adversity.
Now don't you have a phone call to make?
