Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I pondered the word "necessary" when I was thinking about this post. It is a word that I have always equated with "should". Since I fully embrace the concepts of subectivity and perspective, someone telling me what is "necessary" feels as though they are imposing their experience onto mine, rather than offering it as an option. I do believe I have found the exception for me however, and that is "kindness". It is the only real cure all, ya know? I mean think about it. It begins with helping you have better communication, hence, better relationships, happier work and family experiences, greater support and productivity, making life goals a bit easier to achieve, leading to self esteem and optimism, which have a direct connection to joy. With joy at the center of all we do, there is no struggle. Unfortunately, the world does not operate this way. Just watch the news any given morning, or watch how people behave on the road. We are all struggling with something. It manifests differently for everyone, however, but the guy's action of giving me the middle finger on the road comes from pain. I can't relate to the gesture, but I sure can relate to pain. That makes us equals. So I offer him kindness and fully believe he has stored that somewhere. So you'll forgive me if I break my own rule today and boldly tell you what is necessary....kindness. It is all of our ticket to a kind of freedom....of the body, mind and soul. I hope your day finds some.

"Before you say 'its not worth it', shouldn't you determine its value to you?"

It is not an uncommon thing to say in the center of frustration (a place where decisions should NEVER be made), "Its not worth it." When I hear people say this it often sounds more like, "I don't really have the energy/stamina/fight to continue experiencing setbacks on the way to obtaining this goal." There are no blanket rules in life, and sometimes we do determine that the investment we have made is larger than the chance of an optimal outcome, but often times we feel beaten by the process and that can trick us into a false idea that we are depleted. I compare this to my workout routine. Often in the middle of a rep, I feel as though I don't have anymore energy for another and so I will give myself a brief pause to allow my body a short repair with which to meet my goal. Better for me to do that than to stop short compromising something that means a lot to me. Sure, on difficult days, I hear the inside voice say, "Its not worth it." Rather than responding to this, I understand this as the frustration that is very much a part of the entire process, honor it, then let it go. You must have decided something was worth it if you embarked on a journey toward it. Remember why you did it if you need a voice to counteract the "its not worth it" message that will whisper mistruths to you at different points along your journey. Another way to approach this is to establish what the first "it" is for you. Whats not worth it? You? Your happiness? Your home? Your friend? Your pet? That always helps me get some clariity. Hey, only you can know the value of the result for you and your life, but make sure you have explored that before throwing in the towel.

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Anger is never the only emotion, usually arriving as a reaction to the less obvious, but more important one."

Saying you are angry is a good start, but only gives part of the picture. You need to know more if you are invested in feeling something different. Anger is a backpack that is never empty. It always carries an emotion much more important inside, namely, fear, embarrassment, disrespect, neglect, disappointment, betrayal, helplessness, loss….oh child, the list goes on. But addressing anger without knowing that other feeling is sort of futile. Finding it is sometimes tricky, since anger sometimes acts as a bully to other thoughts and doesn’t let them in. It’s good to have a friend help you with the exercise I am going to share with you here, but doing an internal dialogue is sometimes necessary and equally as effective. So, you start out by saying, “I’m angry.” Then someone (or yourself) asks “Why?” You say, “Because she had 16 items in her grocery cart and it was a 10 items or less isle.” Friend: “What was the emotion that came BEFORE you got angry?” Response: "Disregard." (end dialogue) The information you have gathered here is useful, because if you are finding that each time you do this dialogue you always come up with “disregard” then there are 2 likely scenarios; you either come across ill-willed, selfish people constantly, or your “disregard” button is right there on the surface and can be pushed at the simplest bump. The issue then does not become about all these people who disregard you, but you going to this emotion as frequently as you do. However, if the emotion seems to be different each time, and you are getting angry often, then you are not digging deep enough down into that backpack. That's when a little more help couldn't hurt. Either way, you then have something to work with….and a real place to start.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

“Family are like teeth, you’d always like to keep them because you have a long history with them, but you occasionally have to extract them when they cause you enough pain.”

The plight of my family toxicity is one that would occupy way too much space here, and my emotional attachment to it would not likely offer much objectivity about the dynamics of family systems, so I will attempt to keep it as devoid of emotion as possible. That said, I can’t tell you how many times people have shared their family woes to me and followed it up with, “but they’re my family so I suck it up”. (Long buzzer sound inserted here). It is not uncommon for people to tolerate from their family members things they would not tolerate from their friends, just because they are “family”. But what is family? As I understand it, it is a group of people who support you, who do not judge you but offer you love with no conditions. They ask as much about you as they talk about themselves. They may offer you feedback on an issue you’re having based on their experience, but they never impose their choices or value system upon you, and they certainly don’t ostracize you for making your own choices. They silently let you fly and discover those lessons on their own, keeping both pom poms at their sides to celebrate you at each new phase of enlightenment or accomplishment. Your memories together are long and some of them are even good (oops, that was an emotional slip…lol) Longevity with people is nice, since it connects you to a time of your life that starts to drift farther and farther away as we age. But ask yourself, what has been the quality of that time? Has it been more of a burden than a benefit to you? And do you want the next phase of your life to be more of the same based on some idea of obligation. I am here to say that you are obligated to your happiness and if the people who share your family are continually compromising that, than it’s time to create a new one. No one should be obligated to be submissive to abuse, no matter who they are. I am not suggesting this is easy, but visit Kansas and experience peace, laughter, acceptance, serenity, and joyful loving people and it will be that much harder to go back to Oz.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Don't take an entire lifetime to appreciate just one day."

What have you spent today thinking about so far? Have you been somewhere stuck in a memory, a regret, a speculation of how the holidays could have been better? Have you been anticipating your commute this morning, your deadlines and checklists for the week or year? Maybe you try to utilize the good points you once read in a Readers Digest article about stopping to "smell the roses", or maybe you heard your friends talk about Yoga and this thing called "being in the moment", but none of it makes real sense to you, and so it feels unattainable. My dear friend, I will wager that most of us are caught in this vortex of speculation. It used to be a daily occurence for me to wake up "spinning" with events that were out of my control, but all about yesterday or tomorrow. I would end up devoting another day to the futility of that line of thinking. If you're spinning, you can't be still, and if you can't be still, you won't notice. Noticing is the soul's vaccine for stress. Besides, you can spend forever figuring things out and the universe will throw you a curve and change it all up anyway. Let go of your plan, the past, the future. None of it is tangible here, right now in this moment, What IS is the smile of the person you love as they stand in the kitchen making you breakfast, or the warm home you are able to be comfortable in, the things you loved and chose to decorate your life, the eyes that look back at you in the mirror of the loving, kind spirit you are. That is something wonderful to witness today. Don't miss it or you will have declined the "present" that is offered to you daily.

Thanks for reading,
Patrick

Today's Pearl Of Wisdom:

"Remember that the bad choice you made is because you had the freedom to choose."

From fortune cookies to the PHD's novel, the message about what is important in life remains the same, that what has true meaning here is not the destination but the ability to experience the process, in all it's wonder, surprise, enlightenment and wisdom. No one comes to this world with a map of how to navigate your way to happiness, but what you ARE given is the freedom to experiment with everything that COULD be. What happens in that experimentation sometimes feels quite the opposite of happiness, however, through that experience, life unveils another piece of that map and we are able to take a few more steps toward it. The pessimist will see this as life's cruelest joke. The optimist will conclude that there are crucial rights of passage that cannot be missed which only happen as a result of coming to this world with no navigational plan toward joy. What would your life have been like if you had no choices in this regard? What if you took a straight road to happiness? (Um, boring?) What do you think you would have missed? Who wouldn't you have met? What experience or knowledge would you have had to sacrifice? What beautiful place would you have skipped? Don't lament over what you think were mistakes, or wrong choices. Celebrate that all of them brought you gifts that are as much a part of the happiness you hold today as anything else that is more obvious.

Today's Pearl of Wisdom:

"Walk with your heart and head held high, for the body can loan you confidence until you are ready to take possession of it."

Order is overrated, at least how we understand it. Just what would it be like if you looked confident before you actually felt that way? I mean, who says you have to be confident to show confidence? Too abstract? Lets back up. It's my belief that your psyche is taking notes about what you say and do all the time, as if taking direction from you. It doesn't take more than a couple of "I'm stupid"'s for your psyche to internalize this message. (So you can imagine how I feel about the show, "The Biggest Loser".) It won't ever argue with you. It will take you at your word and begin to build a case against your ability to succeed or be happy. One day you are met with the opportunity of a lifetime and any voice of encouragement or self-confidence has been taken over by the voice of doom; the one you have been giving lessons to for years. It's too late then to sell your good points. It won't believe you anymore as you've given too much support to the contrary. My argument is that although it would seem that a degree of confidence is required to "wear" it, wearing it can be the thing that teaches you about it, makes you like the way it feels enough to want more of it and work for it. A taste is all the psyche needs to create an appetite for it and ultimately, dare I say, take posession of it. If it seems too daunting initially, think of it as acting. Step outside yourself if thats what it takes to enlist the confident facade, then come back when it's time to reap the rewards. To borrow an old adage, fake it 'til you make it.