"You're not the person you used to be and not yet the person you’d like to be, but maybe you’re the person you're meant to be."

As a huge proponant of reaching out for support and assistance in obtaining some of the things we need for our joy, I have to admit I was stopped in my tracks recently when I read something that challenged my thinking, and which now has made a tremendous impact on my way of understanding self-help. Ready? Here goes: When you start a goal with the idea of changing something about yourself, it is a sort of subtle aggression against who you really are.

Now if you are like me, you have already come up with 2 or 3 things that could easily be used to disprove or challenge this theory, but stay with me for a second. You see, the idea behind this, in my view, is that the thing you would like to change about yourself must first be absolutely loved and accepted by you first. Only then can you know if you are changing it because you want to or changing it because you need to. The difference here is important. Its like the chicken and the egg. "Need" suggests that whatever you are improving will be the thing that brings you self love, but its the opposite. Self love will bring you the things you need. Not yet? OK.

Here's another thought to help clarify. If you can't embrace every part of who you are, even the nasty, the angry, the irritable, the moody you, then "improvement" would be trying to throw yourself away and become something better. Suggesting that there is something better than who you are right now in all your humanity is an absolute falsehood. Each of us has something unique over everyone else and if you keep hearing that voice that tells you to change, you better be sure it isn't the same voice that depletes your self-worth and barrages you with negative ideas to keep your self esteem low. Sometimes others remind us how lovable we are, just as we are, and this may help to kick start it, but if we are inclined to draw opposing conclusions then taking a journey toward self-improvement without self-love will be like beginning a marathon without shoes. You will not get very far.

I don't know if I can buy that I am perfect, Lord knows, but I do believe I am perfectly "me", and that no one else could ever try to be. That makes me one of a kind, and one of a kind in most circles is extremely valuable.

If you're still not onboard, go spend a buck on iTunes and download Billy Joel's "Just The Way You Are", and maybe when you look in the mirror today you may appreciate just a little bit more the person who has always been the most worthy of your love; you. Thats no small change.

"Seeing the good in everyone is not a pre-requisite to knowing it exists."

I remember it well. It was 8:59 PM on Thursday night, October 18, 1990 and, just like every other Thursday night, I was waiting patiently in front of the TV for the opening credits to Knots Landing. But this would not be like any other Thursday night. What would happen for me in the proceeding hour would impact my life enough to not only remember it, but to still be writing about it 20 years later in this blog for you.

The episode was called, "Dead, But Not Buried" and it was known as Michelle Lee's greatest TV performance, (nominating her for an Emmy). In an emotional retort to someone calling her a "Pollyanna" for her view of the world, "Karen" lashes back with a 3 minute, gutt-wrenching defense of her belief in all people as innately good. She is like a mother bear protecting her metaphorical cub, which was her belief system, her peace, her joyful place, the place where she drew her happiness. There I was, mouth wide open, tears in my 21 year old eyes, with a desire to stand up and cheer as vivid in my mind as if I had seen it this morning. You see, I had been called Pollyanna myself many times before that night, and even more times since. I always liked my belief that people really didn't intend to hurt other people, that under layers of life experiences existed in everyone a loving, kind human being just waiting to be accessed by someone who believed it was in there somewhere. Uncovering it in people was always a rush for me. Did I find it in everyone? No. Do I still believe it exists? Hell yeah. Someone has to, right? Otherwise, they are people sailing through this world navigating aimlessly from their sad, broken places. We all need someone to take the wheel for a while until we are able to find our own way.

That night, Karen was my own voice, and she articulated what I felt so perfectly that I felt a validation which was freeing for me. I have never again questioned being a "Pollyanna", "naive", a "granola", or a "do-gooder", just to name a few names I have been given over the years. Instead, I celebrate it. I love trying to understand everyone as kind, despite their less-than kind presentation, because if my belief is that they are lost rather than ill-intended, I cannot truly justify my anger toward them; a gift to both of us.

We should all be so protective of our happiness as Karen was that cool October night. We may not have to always do so in this way, however. Maybe it’s just about turning off the news once you get the weather or giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People are watching you. And if they see something working for you enough times, they may be inclined to try it themselves, and this, my kind friend, is how we change the world…..one Pollyanna at a time.

"Crisis is the hand that lifts the veil to reveal the true friend from the imposter."

"Friend" is a word that has certainly morphed in definition since it has become a verb in the 21st century, with the onset of social networking. Its difficult to know if "BFF" is just something you use for that one friend you feel closest to, or if you can use it with the same abandon as one "de-friends" someone, having neither action truly be a statement about the status or strength of the friendship. Confusing times for language in general, don't you think? The best barometer for me in understanding the nature of my friendships has always remained the same. Are we able to be there for each other no matter what the situation, and no matter what the challenge required do so? Period. Its easy to show up for a friend's birthday, give them a ride to the train station, even listen to them complain about their family for an hour too long. Its not as easy to respond to something that requires more from you, perhaps something you have a personal discomfort with or pre-judgment about, from "I spanked my kid in anger today" to "I think I have a drinking problem" to "I contracted herpes." These are conversations that may challenge you. Everything you say and, more importantly, DON'T say, will tell your friend just what your friendship is made of. Do you have what it takes to be able to give them the floor and let them spew for as long as they need to without offering judgment, direction, scenarios or negativity (passively OR overt)? Will you offer an opinion before they ask? Will the questions you ask come from your curiosity or will they truly help you to help them better? Can you keep your own stuff in check enough to re-direct yourself with ease back to the person who is actually having the crisis; them? If I feel close enough to a friend to share a crisis and they drop the ball in this way, I know that they are probably not someone who I will feel inclined to share something so deeply with again, re-understanding them as more of a casual or social friend.

I know thats a lot to process, so let me offer some things that are helpful for me. If you do not know the "right" thing to say to your friend, its best to say THAT than to shoot in the dark and miss, wounding or killing the friendship. Speak honestly about your struggle to find something helpful to say. Just letting them know that it is your desire to do so is enough. Secondly, in an electronic world, where the line between appropriate and inappropriate times to text becomes more and more blurry, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM! If the human voice is the ultimate way to communicate support, then texting is somewhere below that, and tells them you did not deem the situation (or them?) important enough to go with the best method. Is that what you want to tell your "BFF"?

Sadly, it will often take a crisis to identify who your true supports are, and who they aren't. Perhaps that is the best gift that comes from adversity.

Now don't you have a phone call to make?

Happiness and misery are similar in that they will both wait as long as it takes for their seeker to find them.

Somebody I knew years ago said something to me I have never forgotten. It was this: Water seeks its own level. I actually didn’t understand it at first, but since then life has described it in full detail to me, one human being at a time. We all know someone who is relentlessly optimistic, whose experience here has not been without its share of challenges, but who seems to still maintain an inspiring outlook, smile in tact and goals not disrupted. They do not accept misery as the rule, but as the exception and therefore get back up on their journey toward happiness. Then there’s that other fella, Al B. Miserable. Man, is he an energy sucker. You walk away from him with your head spinning because his tight hold on how horrible things are is impenetrable. You cannot be of any help to Al because, as much as he complains, he doesn’t want an alternative outlook. In some ways, being miserable brings him feelings of safety. I know, seems like a difficult concept to grasp. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel better, be happier? There are lots of reasons people are not open to help, some of them quite legitimate. It’s when they become the obstruction to a better experience here, a better quality of life, when the real problem presents. You may say that this drive is determined by our chemistry, our biology or genes, if you will. You may say it is influenced by our previous experiences. Who knows? I suspect it’s different for everyone. So maybe it’s easy for some and difficult for others, but I don’t see either of these as a sentence to misery. It just might make some of us have to work a little harder. Good grief, who wants difficult? Easy is the modern sentiment, isn’t it? (OK, there goes some of my cynicism.) The thing is, you are the writer of how things end in your story. Difficult or not, you ultimately are the holder of the pen and the paper and you have the last word, not your problems, circumstances, obstacles or other people who rain on your parade. You can decide to stand on the periphery of the giant joy puddle it forms or you can jump right in. Either way, the water is rising....and waiting.

If someone in the past made you feel good inside, what are they still doing all the way back there?

When I mention facebook to non-facebook friends, they often role their eyes and offer a response that is pretty consistent, "I have no interest in hearing from people from my past." Whether they know it or not, in that one simple line, some unrest about "then" immediately becomes evident. I can't help but consider whether their experiences with people have generally not been good, or maybe there is just one person who they are trying to avoid. Perhaps there is something about today they carry some shame about and, much like the class reunion, would rather not have that exposed to everyone, becoming somewhat vulnerable to people they have not seen in so many years. But how about this one; it was the BEST time of their lives and it is too painful to have the difference between today and then highlighted! Ouch, that one hurts, and I do not blame anyone for recoiling from that painful conclusion. I have something to say about all these scenarios (big surprise) but I will keep my reflections on 2 points; the "bad" past and the "good" past.

My very simple response to this last scenario, the "good" past, is that good is ALWAYS good. The experience is over. It stopped at graduation, or the day you moved away, or whatever event catapulted you to the next part of your life. Unfortunately, it is no match for what follows, a larger living experience, where mistrust, disappointment and less-than-wonderful events introduce cynicism into our lives. Cynicism will search out good memories and re-write them, or burden them with non-truths which are easier to believe with a slightly beaten, heavier heart. I will reiterate; the past itself cannot be made bad because it isn't happening anymore. If we left it with good feelings, but somehow can no longer recall them now, then it was what happened afterwards that edited a perfectly good story.

OK, now for the "bad" past. Just as you can't assume that nice people are exactly the way they were back then, you also cannot assume that "not nice" people are as well. Not to overstate, but the past is a moving image in memory only. It is a photograph, a snapshot, a period of time with clear borders and our connection to it has nothing to do with current experience. The characters are not ghosts, they have had many years of life as you have. In some cases the events back then were being processed by a very young mind, a time where, physiologically and mentally, you are going through a lot and everything feels more severe. A limited perspective also makes the bad experiences feel as impacting as what we consider devastating today. Imagine that a break up feels as severe as our greatest loss today. So even though what someone did to us felt horrible, we are not 18 anymore just because that’s how old we may have been when the memory ended. If that same event happened today, you would likely both laugh, apologize, forgive and move on. Let’s use ALL of our life experiences to understand whether its worth reaching out to someone or not. Be here today and you may find that the past has offered gifts you have yet to open.

Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.

I pondered the word "necessary" when I was thinking about this post. It is a word that I have always equated with "should". Since I fully embrace the concepts of subectivity and perspective, someone telling me what is "necessary" feels as though they are imposing their experience onto mine, rather than offering it as an option. I do believe I have found the exception for me however, and that is "kindness". It is the only real cure all, ya know? I mean think about it. It begins with helping you have better communication, hence, better relationships, happier work and family experiences, greater support and productivity, making life goals a bit easier to achieve, leading to self esteem and optimism, which have a direct connection to joy. With joy at the center of all we do, there is no struggle. Unfortunately, the world does not operate this way. Just watch the news any given morning, or watch how people behave on the road. We are all struggling with something. It manifests differently for everyone, however, but the guy's action of giving me the middle finger on the road comes from pain. I can't relate to the gesture, but I sure can relate to pain. That makes us equals. So I offer him kindness and fully believe he has stored that somewhere. So you'll forgive me if I break my own rule today and boldly tell you what is necessary....kindness. It is all of our ticket to a kind of freedom....of the body, mind and soul. I hope your day finds some.

"Before you say 'its not worth it', shouldn't you determine its value to you?"

It is not an uncommon thing to say in the center of frustration (a place where decisions should NEVER be made), "Its not worth it." When I hear people say this it often sounds more like, "I don't really have the energy/stamina/fight to continue experiencing setbacks on the way to obtaining this goal." There are no blanket rules in life, and sometimes we do determine that the investment we have made is larger than the chance of an optimal outcome, but often times we feel beaten by the process and that can trick us into a false idea that we are depleted. I compare this to my workout routine. Often in the middle of a rep, I feel as though I don't have anymore energy for another and so I will give myself a brief pause to allow my body a short repair with which to meet my goal. Better for me to do that than to stop short compromising something that means a lot to me. Sure, on difficult days, I hear the inside voice say, "Its not worth it." Rather than responding to this, I understand this as the frustration that is very much a part of the entire process, honor it, then let it go. You must have decided something was worth it if you embarked on a journey toward it. Remember why you did it if you need a voice to counteract the "its not worth it" message that will whisper mistruths to you at different points along your journey. Another way to approach this is to establish what the first "it" is for you. Whats not worth it? You? Your happiness? Your home? Your friend? Your pet? That always helps me get some clariity. Hey, only you can know the value of the result for you and your life, but make sure you have explored that before throwing in the towel.