“Anger describes the event, rage describes the person.”

Being a mental health therapist often feels like carrying a pair of x-ray glasses around. The tone, pitch, length, quantity, emotion, selection and inflexion of words which people use can often be like opening a journal into their deepest and darkest places. At times it’s a blessing, since you can respond to their struggle without a lot of help from them. Other times it is a burden. There are some people who you do not intend to become so intimate with by their unconscious exposure and vulnerability. While this helps to depersonalize their behaviors, it also begs the question of what to do with this wounded heart they have unknowingly bestowed upon you.

Earlier this week, I heard a song on the radio that I had never heard before. I had an instant connection with it and knew it was going to be part of the soundtrack to this chapter of my life story. I asked my husband to email Harry the DJ, with whom he corresponds regularly through Twitter, and inquire about how we may find the song. Harry offered to send him the song to download. After a couple of days, I asked Michael if he’d gotten the song yet, which he hadn’t, and so I asked him if he would send Harry a reminder email. I went on the assumption that he, like I, can become so busy that we forget things and appreciate a little nudge as a reminder now and then. If nothing more, this is a lesson about assumptions. But, alas, there is more.

The next morning, Michael called me over to the computer and showed me a multitude of angry emails from Harry. It looked as though for a period of 15 minutes Harry sent a new email each time he found some additional angry words to say. It was an unleashing of attacks on Michael for being “unappreciative” and “inconsiderate” (only using the nice words here). He also said that he had been putting together a package for us but now that we pissed him off we weren’t getting anything. We were in shock. We reviewed Michael’s emails to find out what may have triggered this tirade, but Michael’s emails were succinct, benign and friendly. A few minutes later, we turned on our Sirius radio to listen to Harry’s show as we do each morning, and he began the show by disparaging Michael. It went something like this: “There’s this guy I talk to on Twitter, always seemed like a nice guy. I was doing something nice for him, but he became inpatient and manipulative and he intended for his email to hurt me.” We were stunned that he took it to the radio, but mostly horrified that he created an entire story that had no roots in the truth. What he did was expose his weakness, being unappreciated. Michael became the symbol of everyone who may have taken advantage of Harry in the past, disrespected his generosity, and who knows what else? This insight into Harry’s past trauma, which still affects him today, certainly didn’t come without a few knocks, but the transparency of the wound by the quick accessibility of his rage only made us feel compassion for him.

There are some people who behave this way who can never use it to help them identify where their wounds are, and so they continue running in circles and never move forward to a happier, more peaceful existence. I don’t think I can help Harry today, but perhaps you have read something that feels familiar here, and that is Harry’s gift to both of us.

"You can only be chased by the past if you are running from it."

Have you ever heard that the act of running from a dog actually invites it to chase you, whether or not it was initially the dog’s plan to? The fast and spontaneous nature of your feet whisking your body away becomes an invitation to the dog to play, since chasing is what they love to do most. This is a great analogy for past trauma, or rather, understanding how some unpleasant memories continue to find us long after we have chosen to leave them behind. I’d like to say more about this, but let me paint a scenario for you first.

You are at a party and someone in a circle of people you are talking with is on their second glass of wine and has now become more comfortable speaking from their emotional place. They start to talk about a bad break up that began a long and pretty severe period of depression for them. Alert! Your own trauma has been accessed by an intruder! The already fragile door to your trauma flies open with an invitation to come out and play and there in all its glory is that devastating break up you never got over. The fear of it becomes so intense that you don’t wait for an appropriate pause in the person’s story to excuse yourself, but turn and make a bee-line toward the table of appetizers. But I will wager that what you are hungry for most will not be found on a platter of Goat Cheese and Tomato Tart with Crudite.

What would happen if you responded to your fear of the dog by standing still? What would happen if you responded to the fear of your own memory at the party by remaining in place and listening? Your answer to these will likely be dipped in years of fantasy responses, so many times that you can’t really see for sure what the reality is. Ya know, I have always said there is a reason why trauma and drama sound so much alike. I don’t mean to make light of trauma here, or underscore its impact, but its worth looking at a different way if you have not had success up to now.

Try this for a second. The dog walks up to you. You don’t move. He sniffs your leg, then your foot, then looks up at you. He then sits and offers his paw. With apprehension, you extend your hand and a paw lands on it. A new friendship is made. A myth is uncovered. An old demon is dismantled.

How about this one? You stay and listen to the woman’s story of her breakup and put your hand on her arm and offer a gesture of kindness and empathy, telling her it will be OK because you have survived a similar situation. She smiles and accepts your gesture and 2 people’s hearts receive a few more stitches.

To stand still, calmly and patiently, in the center of your fear, with compassion for yourself, is to be willing to have a new response. To be willing to have a new response is to find one. To find one is to unload the burden. To unload the burden is to feel free and accomplished. To feel free and accomplished is to feel good. To feel good is to enjoy your life. To enjoy your life is what you are meant to do! I encourage you to tap into the place your courage is stored and to let the past, the demon, the dog, the story, the trauma find you. To look it in the eye is to strip it of its power. The lesson here is quite ironic, for you will never get as far running as you will standing still.

"You're not the person you used to be and not yet the person you’d like to be, but maybe you’re the person you're meant to be."

As a huge proponant of reaching out for support and assistance in obtaining some of the things we need for our joy, I have to admit I was stopped in my tracks recently when I read something that challenged my thinking, and which now has made a tremendous impact on my way of understanding self-help. Ready? Here goes: When you start a goal with the idea of changing something about yourself, it is a sort of subtle aggression against who you really are.

Now if you are like me, you have already come up with 2 or 3 things that could easily be used to disprove or challenge this theory, but stay with me for a second. You see, the idea behind this, in my view, is that the thing you would like to change about yourself must first be absolutely loved and accepted by you first. Only then can you know if you are changing it because you want to or changing it because you need to. The difference here is important. Its like the chicken and the egg. "Need" suggests that whatever you are improving will be the thing that brings you self love, but its the opposite. Self love will bring you the things you need. Not yet? OK.

Here's another thought to help clarify. If you can't embrace every part of who you are, even the nasty, the angry, the irritable, the moody you, then "improvement" would be trying to throw yourself away and become something better. Suggesting that there is something better than who you are right now in all your humanity is an absolute falsehood. Each of us has something unique over everyone else and if you keep hearing that voice that tells you to change, you better be sure it isn't the same voice that depletes your self-worth and barrages you with negative ideas to keep your self esteem low. Sometimes others remind us how lovable we are, just as we are, and this may help to kick start it, but if we are inclined to draw opposing conclusions then taking a journey toward self-improvement without self-love will be like beginning a marathon without shoes. You will not get very far.

I don't know if I can buy that I am perfect, Lord knows, but I do believe I am perfectly "me", and that no one else could ever try to be. That makes me one of a kind, and one of a kind in most circles is extremely valuable.

If you're still not onboard, go spend a buck on iTunes and download Billy Joel's "Just The Way You Are", and maybe when you look in the mirror today you may appreciate just a little bit more the person who has always been the most worthy of your love; you. Thats no small change.

"Seeing the good in everyone is not a pre-requisite to knowing it exists."

I remember it well. It was 8:59 PM on Thursday night, October 18, 1990 and, just like every other Thursday night, I was waiting patiently in front of the TV for the opening credits to Knots Landing. But this would not be like any other Thursday night. What would happen for me in the proceeding hour would impact my life enough to not only remember it, but to still be writing about it 20 years later in this blog for you.

The episode was called, "Dead, But Not Buried" and it was known as Michelle Lee's greatest TV performance, (nominating her for an Emmy). In an emotional retort to someone calling her a "Pollyanna" for her view of the world, "Karen" lashes back with a 3 minute, gutt-wrenching defense of her belief in all people as innately good. She is like a mother bear protecting her metaphorical cub, which was her belief system, her peace, her joyful place, the place where she drew her happiness. There I was, mouth wide open, tears in my 21 year old eyes, with a desire to stand up and cheer as vivid in my mind as if I had seen it this morning. You see, I had been called Pollyanna myself many times before that night, and even more times since. I always liked my belief that people really didn't intend to hurt other people, that under layers of life experiences existed in everyone a loving, kind human being just waiting to be accessed by someone who believed it was in there somewhere. Uncovering it in people was always a rush for me. Did I find it in everyone? No. Do I still believe it exists? Hell yeah. Someone has to, right? Otherwise, they are people sailing through this world navigating aimlessly from their sad, broken places. We all need someone to take the wheel for a while until we are able to find our own way.

That night, Karen was my own voice, and she articulated what I felt so perfectly that I felt a validation which was freeing for me. I have never again questioned being a "Pollyanna", "naive", a "granola", or a "do-gooder", just to name a few names I have been given over the years. Instead, I celebrate it. I love trying to understand everyone as kind, despite their less-than kind presentation, because if my belief is that they are lost rather than ill-intended, I cannot truly justify my anger toward them; a gift to both of us.

We should all be so protective of our happiness as Karen was that cool October night. We may not have to always do so in this way, however. Maybe it’s just about turning off the news once you get the weather or giving someone the benefit of the doubt. People are watching you. And if they see something working for you enough times, they may be inclined to try it themselves, and this, my kind friend, is how we change the world…..one Pollyanna at a time.

"Crisis is the hand that lifts the veil to reveal the true friend from the imposter."

"Friend" is a word that has certainly morphed in definition since it has become a verb in the 21st century, with the onset of social networking. Its difficult to know if "BFF" is just something you use for that one friend you feel closest to, or if you can use it with the same abandon as one "de-friends" someone, having neither action truly be a statement about the status or strength of the friendship. Confusing times for language in general, don't you think? The best barometer for me in understanding the nature of my friendships has always remained the same. Are we able to be there for each other no matter what the situation, and no matter what the challenge required do so? Period. Its easy to show up for a friend's birthday, give them a ride to the train station, even listen to them complain about their family for an hour too long. Its not as easy to respond to something that requires more from you, perhaps something you have a personal discomfort with or pre-judgment about, from "I spanked my kid in anger today" to "I think I have a drinking problem" to "I contracted herpes." These are conversations that may challenge you. Everything you say and, more importantly, DON'T say, will tell your friend just what your friendship is made of. Do you have what it takes to be able to give them the floor and let them spew for as long as they need to without offering judgment, direction, scenarios or negativity (passively OR overt)? Will you offer an opinion before they ask? Will the questions you ask come from your curiosity or will they truly help you to help them better? Can you keep your own stuff in check enough to re-direct yourself with ease back to the person who is actually having the crisis; them? If I feel close enough to a friend to share a crisis and they drop the ball in this way, I know that they are probably not someone who I will feel inclined to share something so deeply with again, re-understanding them as more of a casual or social friend.

I know thats a lot to process, so let me offer some things that are helpful for me. If you do not know the "right" thing to say to your friend, its best to say THAT than to shoot in the dark and miss, wounding or killing the friendship. Speak honestly about your struggle to find something helpful to say. Just letting them know that it is your desire to do so is enough. Secondly, in an electronic world, where the line between appropriate and inappropriate times to text becomes more and more blurry, PICK UP THE PHONE AND CALL THEM! If the human voice is the ultimate way to communicate support, then texting is somewhere below that, and tells them you did not deem the situation (or them?) important enough to go with the best method. Is that what you want to tell your "BFF"?

Sadly, it will often take a crisis to identify who your true supports are, and who they aren't. Perhaps that is the best gift that comes from adversity.

Now don't you have a phone call to make?

Happiness and misery are similar in that they will both wait as long as it takes for their seeker to find them.

Somebody I knew years ago said something to me I have never forgotten. It was this: Water seeks its own level. I actually didn’t understand it at first, but since then life has described it in full detail to me, one human being at a time. We all know someone who is relentlessly optimistic, whose experience here has not been without its share of challenges, but who seems to still maintain an inspiring outlook, smile in tact and goals not disrupted. They do not accept misery as the rule, but as the exception and therefore get back up on their journey toward happiness. Then there’s that other fella, Al B. Miserable. Man, is he an energy sucker. You walk away from him with your head spinning because his tight hold on how horrible things are is impenetrable. You cannot be of any help to Al because, as much as he complains, he doesn’t want an alternative outlook. In some ways, being miserable brings him feelings of safety. I know, seems like a difficult concept to grasp. I mean, who doesn’t want to feel better, be happier? There are lots of reasons people are not open to help, some of them quite legitimate. It’s when they become the obstruction to a better experience here, a better quality of life, when the real problem presents. You may say that this drive is determined by our chemistry, our biology or genes, if you will. You may say it is influenced by our previous experiences. Who knows? I suspect it’s different for everyone. So maybe it’s easy for some and difficult for others, but I don’t see either of these as a sentence to misery. It just might make some of us have to work a little harder. Good grief, who wants difficult? Easy is the modern sentiment, isn’t it? (OK, there goes some of my cynicism.) The thing is, you are the writer of how things end in your story. Difficult or not, you ultimately are the holder of the pen and the paper and you have the last word, not your problems, circumstances, obstacles or other people who rain on your parade. You can decide to stand on the periphery of the giant joy puddle it forms or you can jump right in. Either way, the water is rising....and waiting.

If someone in the past made you feel good inside, what are they still doing all the way back there?

When I mention facebook to non-facebook friends, they often role their eyes and offer a response that is pretty consistent, "I have no interest in hearing from people from my past." Whether they know it or not, in that one simple line, some unrest about "then" immediately becomes evident. I can't help but consider whether their experiences with people have generally not been good, or maybe there is just one person who they are trying to avoid. Perhaps there is something about today they carry some shame about and, much like the class reunion, would rather not have that exposed to everyone, becoming somewhat vulnerable to people they have not seen in so many years. But how about this one; it was the BEST time of their lives and it is too painful to have the difference between today and then highlighted! Ouch, that one hurts, and I do not blame anyone for recoiling from that painful conclusion. I have something to say about all these scenarios (big surprise) but I will keep my reflections on 2 points; the "bad" past and the "good" past.

My very simple response to this last scenario, the "good" past, is that good is ALWAYS good. The experience is over. It stopped at graduation, or the day you moved away, or whatever event catapulted you to the next part of your life. Unfortunately, it is no match for what follows, a larger living experience, where mistrust, disappointment and less-than-wonderful events introduce cynicism into our lives. Cynicism will search out good memories and re-write them, or burden them with non-truths which are easier to believe with a slightly beaten, heavier heart. I will reiterate; the past itself cannot be made bad because it isn't happening anymore. If we left it with good feelings, but somehow can no longer recall them now, then it was what happened afterwards that edited a perfectly good story.

OK, now for the "bad" past. Just as you can't assume that nice people are exactly the way they were back then, you also cannot assume that "not nice" people are as well. Not to overstate, but the past is a moving image in memory only. It is a photograph, a snapshot, a period of time with clear borders and our connection to it has nothing to do with current experience. The characters are not ghosts, they have had many years of life as you have. In some cases the events back then were being processed by a very young mind, a time where, physiologically and mentally, you are going through a lot and everything feels more severe. A limited perspective also makes the bad experiences feel as impacting as what we consider devastating today. Imagine that a break up feels as severe as our greatest loss today. So even though what someone did to us felt horrible, we are not 18 anymore just because that’s how old we may have been when the memory ended. If that same event happened today, you would likely both laugh, apologize, forgive and move on. Let’s use ALL of our life experiences to understand whether its worth reaching out to someone or not. Be here today and you may find that the past has offered gifts you have yet to open.